"Starting from marriage, men are changing to the less manly direction."
Ha ha, I started perhaps already farther on the Femine spectrum such that marriage pulled me more toward the "Masculine" end—feeling now obliged to "win the bread" for another.
(When it was just me I could indulge all my selfish, artistic whims…)
That behaviour was probably more due to psycho-social reasons that biological which regressed, but sure the net effect pushed you more to the one pole.
When we only have ourselves to care about, I think it is easier to be irresponsible about our health. It is only ourselves who suffer the consequences. That kind of "solitary-ism" or ego can swing either way: you care so much for yourself that you focus on your health, or instead focus on enjoying those things life has to offer like food and wine (often at the expense of health).
Unlike my and many other's parents, I waited until I was older, more mature and planned beginning a family. Nonetheless, I suspect none of us were truly prepared for what that would mean—especially in the life-changing ways it manifest in.
So if some of us were not focused on our own health before going into fatherhood, I am not surprised. No doubt there are others that had checked off that box but started a family with much slimmer finances than I thought necessary to begin fatherhood.
In the end I suspect it is easy to Monday-morning quarterback my introduction to fatherhood and determine where I could have done better. At the same time, and I am considering my own upbringing, I could have done much, much worse. And yet most of us make it to adulthood with more or less healthy minds and bodies.
I get that. I quit smoking when my first child was born.
I think my devil-may-care attitude toward longevity changed when I realized I had a long-term investment cradled in my arms. And I wanted to live long enough to see her leave the nest at least.
Who is the disciplinarian in the house? I get it, there does tend to be a "role" there (not clear which sex gets that one–it seems to be dependent on a lot of factors—perhaps who is the less patient being the top one).
It just seems odd that anyone would see "nurturing" as assigned to one or the other parent.
It's a challenge though that, as I posted already, gives my life a purpose for something outside me.
Worst though (spoiler), it may have become an even a bigger challenge as they have become starting adults. In many ways they were so much easier in elementary school… <lé sigh>
Ha ha, I never thought babies were "cute" until I had one of my own. Now I can't stop to smile, wave when a baby is pushed by in a stroller (to the embarrassment of my wife for some reason).
"As a father of 3 daughters now approaching 50 with my oldest now 24…"
You and I are akin (I waited a decade longer to start a family though.)
I definitely see my life as divided between before and after having had kids. I mean that's pretty obvious—and you can find any other big event in life and make that claim. But for me there has been nothing more dramatic to have redirected my own life.
To the point that (and this might not sound fair to people without kids) my life before kids seems in a way rather shallow, hedonist. I feel as though that was the demarcation for when I first cared for someone more than I do myself.
Photos of my time before becoming a father: I look at them and wonder who that guy was. What the hell was he doing with his life? Purposefulness came with fatherhood. A full identity change. To the point that when they left the nest, I was suddenly overwhelmed with purposelessness.
My kids are young enough that I don’t need to worry about it yet, but I can totally see how I might have the same issue. Beyond just myself, my partner is just as invested in the kids and I can foresee needing to rediscover ourselves together. Do you have any advice, tips, or insights for new empty nesters?
Even (especially) in hindsight it will have been the greatest thing you did with your life. At least this has become clear to me (now 27 years a father).
Ha ha, I started perhaps already farther on the Femine spectrum such that marriage pulled me more toward the "Masculine" end—feeling now obliged to "win the bread" for another.
(When it was just me I could indulge all my selfish, artistic whims…)
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